My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
"Bugs and hisses."
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.