Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?