I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Dialysis is a blood bath.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.