My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"