Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus