It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
I love you berry much.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
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