There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
You're my missing ingredient.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
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