Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
He threw three free throws.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
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