Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
How rude-olf of you.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
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