I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
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