What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
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