Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
You're like fireworks: smokin' hot, fun, and radiant.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
If you and I were flowers, we’d have a budding romance.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
I love you from my head tomato
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
I like you, you croc my world.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
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