I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.