How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
All stereos are so typical.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
I’m feelin’ green.
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
Shell yeah.
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
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