I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
I'm snow bored.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
I have a heart-on for you.
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
"I've found some bunny to love."
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
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