What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
It’s a winterful day!
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
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