“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
Best in snow.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
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