How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
You know what they say? Words.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
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