If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
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