The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
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