What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla