“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."