“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton