I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.