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Used Jokes

Utensils Puns
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Pot Puns
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Garden Quotes
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
Giant Puns
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
Garden Puns
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Pea Puns
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
Yard Puns
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
Tableware Puns
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Gnome Puns
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
Nuts Puns
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What Mother Superior Found
The mother superior is very upset. She walks into the dinner room and announces to all the nuns to be quiet and listen. "I was walking around the gardens, as I do." She says in a loud voice, "When I found some disturbing things! For one, I found a man's underpants!" All the nuns are taken aback except for one, who is smiling. "Then, " continues the mother superior, "I found a WOMAN'S underpants!" All the nuns gasp together, except for one, who is giggling. "And if that wasn't enough, I found.... a... a... used condom!" All the nuns gasp, and some turn white, except for one, who is laughing quietly. "And in the condom," finishes mother superior, "was a hole." All the nuns laugh, except for one, who is crying.
Grocery Store Pick Up Lines
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?