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Short Jokes

Utensils Puns
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Gnome Puns
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
What You Get For Smoking
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking. One day, his wife got so angry that she told him: “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.” Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did. His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear as he slept. A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes. After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. “What happened?” asked the wife. “You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry honey - after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
Strawberry Puns
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
A Female Secret
Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to lovemaking and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says "I'm catholic too but we use the bucket and saucer method." "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask. "Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."
Soccer Pick Up Lines
Did you know you look good in short pants?
Food Quotes
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
Irish Puns
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
Kangaroo Puns
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
Dad Jokes
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Puns
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
Quotes
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
Funny Marriage Quotes
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
Elvis Pick Up Lines
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!