Relationship Jokes

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, got angry all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts.

Lucy and Debra were having one of their chats during one of their regular Thursday outings to play some chess, talk and get some good coffee. At one point, Lucy sighed and said, “You know, Debra , if something every happened to my Paul, I don’t think I could ever marry again.” Debra nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said. “Once is enough for me too.”

Infinite loop is a computer programming concept, describing a situation of cause and effect that continues forever, one action causing another action that causes the first action etc. etc. These loops never happen in real life, unless... A company CEO tells his secretary: "Next week we're going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements." The secretary calls her husband: "Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time." The husband calls his lover: "My wife is going abroad for a week, lets spend it together..." The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children: "Because of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you'll be studying at home." One of the kids went to his grandfather and said: "Grandpa, next week I don't have school, you promised me that if I had time off we'd go to the mountains together." The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her: "My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we're not going abroad." The secretary calls her husband: "The boss cancelled, we'll be together, my love." The husband calls his lover: "We can't spend the week together, my wife is staying." The lover tells the kids: "My problem was solved, school is back on." The kid goes to the grandfather: "Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won't be able to go." The CEO calls his secretary: "My grandson won't be able to spend next week with me, rebook the flight abroad." The secretary calls her husband....

The Day of Judgment came, and all the people in the world who were worthy reached heaven, where the heavenly angels divided them into men and women. The angel Gabriel was revealed before all the men and ordered them to stand in two rows; One would be all the men who had retained their strength in the relationship, and the other - men who had surrendered to their wives. Meanwhile, the women were taken elsewhere, apparently to pass their own test... Of course, as soon as the women disappeared, most of the men immediately made their way to the first row of men who stood their ground, did not give in and wore the “pants” in the house. But under the scrutiny and judgment of the angels, they slowly began to wander to the second line of the submissive men. So it went on for a long time until finally there were only three men left in the first row, while the second row lengthened and extended beyond the horizon. Gabriel looked at this scene with a very disappointed look and turned to all the men: "You should be ashamed of yourself, you were created in the image of the Creator, and the woman was created from your bones, but you have allowed yourself to let her rule over you, only these three men are exceptional and I am sure they can teach you a thing or two." “Hey you,” he said to one of the three men, "How do you describe your relationships? How do you feel knowing you are one of the most special men in the world?" "The truth?" answered the man, "I was lonely or stuck in unhappy relationships all my life, and now that we are here, my greatest regret is that I did not treat women better." The surprised angel did not lose his enthusiasm and hurried to ask the other man how he described his relationships in life. "All my life I've gone from relationship to relationship, I've never found love and I've always wanted to change my ways and treat women better, now I can never do that ..." he said and burst into tears. The confused angel hurried to the third man. "Please tell me, you seem quite satisfied and relaxed, what’s your secret, how did you manage to be the only man in the world who controls his relationship, that stands his ground, doesn’t give in to women, and still looks so sure of himself?" "I'm sorry but I don’t have an answer for you," said the third man. "I'm just standing here because my wife told me to wait here and not move until she comes back ..."

You may have heard of the best kept secret of the US army - the infamous area 51 in Nevada, where secret operations are conducted. It was late afternoon when Air Force spotted a Cessna airplane landing right at area 51. Perplexed, they immediately seized the pilot and dragged him into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane. The pilot and a sour, angry looking woman. The same pilot jumped out and said, "I know I shouldn't be here again, and you can do anything you want to me, but please, please, will you tell my wife that I actually DID spend last night in area 51!"