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Own Jokes

Funny Health Quotes
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
Funny Groucho Marx Quotes
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
Grocery Store Pick Up Lines
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
Meat Puns
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
Yard Puns
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
A Neo-Nazi Walks into a Bar
A Neo-Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Neo-Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar. "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf." The Neo-Nazi looks again at the Jew and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman. The bartender shrugs: "Well he does own the bar."
Food Quotes
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
Tableware Puns
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Garden Quotes
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
Yeti/ Bigfoot Puns
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
Elvis Pick Up Lines
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one