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Everything Jokes

Friendship Quotes
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
Gnome Puns
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
Nuts Puns
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Funny Aging Quotes
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
Orange Puns
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Literary Pick Up Lines
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
Food Quotes
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
Everything is Bigger in Texas
A blind man is unafraid to travel and experience new things around the world. Eventually, his travels take him to Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is huge!” “EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!” says the bellhop cheerfully. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow, these drinks are enormous!” The bartender disclaims: “EVERYTHING is big in Texas!” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and the poor guy falls right in. The few swimmers there were shocked when a man suddenly popped his head up from under the water flailing his arms and screaming, “Don’t flush, DON'T FLUSH!!!!!”
Onion Puns
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
A Frog Outta Luck
This is a story about a frog who had a unique and weird love in its heart - for human women. He wanted to meet the princess to make him a prince. Of course, no human girl will touch him. His frog relatives are weirded out and don't want to help him. Eventually he hears of a psychic toad that lives not far away. He makes his way to him in leaps and bounds, and finds him in a little bog. After much pleading, the toad reads his fortune. He tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."  The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"  "No," says the toad, "in her biology class."
Space Pick Up Lines
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.