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Dying Jokes

His Happiness Was Worth Protecting
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-" The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father." The man then dies, happy. "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." Muttered the wife.
Puns
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
Rainbow Puns
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Utensils Puns
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Greece Puns
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
Quotes
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
My Dear, Let Me Confess
An old football player was dying. So he called his wife and told her: "My dearest you see I'm dying. I must confess. I cheated on you twice throughout our marriage. Please forgive me." His wife says: "I forgive you my love. But I have to confess, I too have cheated on you, 3 times." "Three you say?" Said the husband, feeling like she cheated a bit more than him. "Who were they?" "Well," said his wife sweetly. "Do you remember it was so difficult to admit you as a football player in the team? So I went to the couch and did something. That was the cause for you to be a player in the team." Her husband was alarmed but he was thankful she did it for him. "Who else?" "Well, do you remember when you entered the team no body didn't pass you? I went to 10 others players so they changed a friendly treatment during half times." "You did WHAT?!" He spluttered. She continue, "And do you remember during matching nobody in town encouraged you? Well.."
Zombie Puns
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
Dad Jokes
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Whoops!
Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher, feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it, put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said "...and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from." With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said: “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”
One Last Wish
Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife: "Honey, I'm almost out of time and there's something I'd like you to do for me when I'm gone." She nodded her head and said, "You can count on me. Anything you ask, I'll make sure it's done." "I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob," he said, his voice filled with emotion. Astonished, his wife replied, "Jacob? But I thought you couldn't stand him!" He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered, "That's precisely why..."
One Liners and Short Jokes
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
River Puns
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Funny Health Quotes
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great