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Cash Jokes

Funny Marriage Quotes
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
Funny Money Quotes
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
Rejection Pick Up Lines
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
River Puns
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
Snow Puns
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
Corona Virus Jokes
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
Funny Birthday Poems
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Ice Puns
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
Elf Puns
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
Funny Limericks
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
One Liners for Kids
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
An Evening With the Devil
A poor man takes a stroll on a Friday evening. As he's walking, he's thinking about what he can do to get some extra cash in his life. Suddenly, a puff of smoke appears and out of it steps the Devil himself! He whispers, terrifyingly, "Take all the money in your purse, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!" The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money he could pull out of the ATM on 27. He is shocked when he actually wins! Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The latter is silent for a moment and then says again, "Take all your money - all that you've won - go inside and put them on 27!" - "Again?!" - "Yes! Do it!" - The man quickly yields, goes in again, puts all the money on 27 and ... wins again! Now everyone in the casino is amazed, they check the wheel, nope no tilt or bias (and it was outputting numbers randomly before), seems like genuine luck, reluctantly he's given almost two hundred thousand dollars and leaves elated. Outside he meets the Devil again who again tells him to go put everything on 27, the man is shocked but does so, and wins for the third time! And now he's given most of the casino's bank, millions of dollars, walks out shining like a star, and says to the Devil, "I don't know why people say you're the most sinister being there is, you've been so kind to me today!!" The Devil gives him a pained look and says: "You know something? You are the luckiest son of a gun I've ever bloody seen!!!"
Flight Puns
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
Nuts Puns
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.