What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
You're one in a melon.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance