Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?

What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.

My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.

Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.

I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.

What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.

You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one

The only thing brighter than the sun on this track is your smile.

“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”

What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.

Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.

If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.

What does a house wear?
Address.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.

"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"

I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.

I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.

The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.

What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!

You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!

Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.

How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.

Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.

Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.

“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux

Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird

I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool

My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".

Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.

One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”

The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”

“Pop!” goes the weasel.

"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore

What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.

Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.

What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!

What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.

Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling

The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!

How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.

Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.

The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.

“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”