An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
I less than three you.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
