"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
You should see what I can do with ice.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
I came here looking for a little tail.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
Someone said you were looking for me.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.