Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.