What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!