Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!