What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.