Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!