This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.