What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
You’re my heartthrob.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.