Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.