I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
Baby, you're a firework.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.