“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett

How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.

I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter

Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.

Will you be the Flin to my Flon?

A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."

Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.

What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.

Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.

I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one

Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.

Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.

What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.

I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.

What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!

Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.

You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.

"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.

Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.

How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.

Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.

“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”

Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.

I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.

What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.

I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.

Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.

Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.

Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.

What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.

This summer is going swimmingly.

If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?

There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.

Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.

Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."

- Natalie Wood.

My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.

What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!

What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.

Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!

A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.

Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.

Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.