Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.