Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps