I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
I can heartly wait to see you again.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.