"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."