Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
