Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
"Dying to have fun."
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.