Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.