Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
"No body won the skeleton race."
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.