Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.