How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.