Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
"Some people have no guts."
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
The huddle is real
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.