Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you later at my place.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.