Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
Belize me, baby, I will Peru'v my love for you at any Cost.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.