“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Every mile is two in winter.”
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.