“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.