What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
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What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!