“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard