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Weeks Jokes

Funny Parenting Quotes
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
Corona Virus Jokes
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
Medieval Puns
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Camel Puns
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Train Puns
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Horse Puns
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
One Liners and Short Jokes
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Color Puns
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
The Retiring Rabbi
The Retiring Rabbi A rabbi is planning on retiring from his main occupation, which is giving circumcisions. Over the years he's saved up all the foreskins from all the circumcisions he's taken part in. He looks at them and decides to take them to the local leatherworker to see if something can be made of them. The rabbi explains that he'd like to have a retirement gift made out of the foreskins and the leatherworker agrees and tells the rabbi to come back in a couple weeks. A couple weeks later the rabbi comes back and the leatherworker hands him a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?!?" The rabbi exclaims. The leatherworker replies, "Don't fret, if you rub it a bit it becomes a suitcase."
Ear Puns
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Christian Pick Up Lines
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
Birthday Jokes
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Whale Puns
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
Toucan Puns
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
Food Quotes
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
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