Senior joke

I was in Walmart the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy. I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" I said, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours." We older guys are helpful like that.

Lately there has been talk about inventing some more fun games for seniors. After all, we're the ones with all the free time! Some suggestions: Sag, You’re it. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy. Questions Shouted into your Good Ear. Kick the Bucket. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over. Doc, Doc Goose. Simon Says Something Incoherent. Hide and Go Pee Spin the Bottle of Mylanta and last but not least - A Fun round of Musical Recliners!

I cannot see I cannot pee I cannot chew I cannot screw. My memory shrinks My hearing stinks No sense of smell I look like hell. How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s afternoon. December is here before the year's grown, my goodness, how the time has flown. The Golden Years have come at last The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

Two old ladies go visit their friend Mary. They sit down and after a while Mary says: "How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee." So she gets up and gets the coffee. Some time later, old Mary says: "How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee." So again she gets the coffee. Half an hour later, the scene repeats for the third time. Finally the two ladies say goodbye. "Mary is acting really weird, don't you think?" says the first one. "All the time we spent there, she hasn't even offered us coffee!". The second one looks at her in amazement: "What? You've been to see Mary, and you haven't even invited me??"

An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?” The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.” The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?” The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off and told the C-130 pilot: 'Watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?' The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll." And the lesson? When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing. When you get older & smarter - comfort & boredom is not such a bad thing. Us older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S - Slower, Older and Smarter!

There are some unexpected joys about being on the other side of 70, for example... Kidnappers aren't very interested in you. In a hostage situation, you will probably be released first. No one expects you to run into a burning building. Or run at all. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?” People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won’t wear out. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations. You get into a heated argument about pension claims. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You sing along with the elevator music. Your eyes won’t get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. And you may not remember who sent you this list.

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I’m afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied: "I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS."

Grandma calls and announces that she will be coming by for a visit in about half an hour. When she comes she is surprised to see her grandchild running to her as if possessed and hugging her with all his tiny might. "What is it, Eric??" She asks. "Now that you're here, grandma, we have everything!" "Whatever do you mean?" Inquired the surprised granny. "When you called, mom said: 'That's all we need right now.' So now that you're here, we have all we need!"

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. And do you know what?" "What?" asked the doctor. "I've changed my will three times!"

Joshua calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?" "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain." "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?" "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow." "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there." "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is a holiday. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the holiday meal. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore." A half hour later, Joshua receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there!" Joshua promises. After hanging up from his daughter, he turns to his wife and says, "You were right! They're coming, and we don't even have to pay our half of the tickets!"

You may be getting older if... When your spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!” When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot. When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along. When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. When getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today. When “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot. And of course - When an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!

Ahhmmm ahhhmmm! I have written a little poem, it's called: "Same Old Me". It goes like this: "When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less. I needn’t hold my tummy in To wear a belted dress. But now that I am older, I’ve set my body free; There’s the comfort of elastic Where once my waist would be. The inventor of those high-heeled shoes My feet have not forgiven I have to wear a size nine now, But I used to wear a seven. And how about those pantyhose They’re sized by weight, you see, So how come when I put them on, The crotch is at my knees? I need to wear these glasses. As the prints were getting smaller; And it wasn’t very long ago I know that I was taller. Though my hair has turned to silver And my skin no longer fits, and the outside, I’m not what I used to be. But here on the inside, I’m still the same old me!"

An older, white-haired gentleman walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special." The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!" The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon." Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!" The old man said, "I know I know, but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is. I'm so sorry.” Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said: “How soon do you need to know?"