Lawyer joke

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove the saying about money, “you can't take it with you", wrong. After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. Then, he directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was to reach out and grab the bags when he was ascending to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when the pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death, the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes. Social Worker: "I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support families in need of assistance." The Social Worker grabs the nearest bag and plummets out of the aircraft. Lawyer: "I deserve to live because I advocate for my clients through my sharp wit and massive knowledge." The lawyer grabs the second bag and plummets out of the aircraft. Doctor: "I deserve to live because I help diagnose ill people with my specialized training." The doctor grabs the third bag and plummets out of the aircraft. This leaves only the schoolboy and the old man in the plane with it descending toward the ground. Old man: "Go ahead boy. Take the last parachute. You have many years ahead of you while I am just an old man who doesn't have as many years left." Schoolboy: "Don't worry, we can both take a parachute. Look, there are still two left." The old man’s just stares in shock. "Wha...what... but those three..." "Remember the lawyer with the sharp wit and the massive knowledge? He took my school backpack."

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts up a sign outside. It reads: 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Doctor: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh, this is kerosene!' Doctor: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Doctor: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Doctor: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Doctor: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Doctor: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.'

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce. He asks her: "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. Damn fool says he can't communicate with me."