Kid Jokes

I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”

- Judd Apatow.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”

- Jim Gaffigan.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”

- Conan O’Brien.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”

- Ernest Hemingway.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”

- Carrie Underwood.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
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