Jokes about men

God was giving out traits to Adam and Eve. He had two left and decided to ask their preference. He said, “So I have two things left for you both. The first is peeing while standing up…” Adam jumped up and said, “Me! Me! I want to pee standing up! Then I can just pee wherever I am standing. Oh, and I can write my name in the snow!” God said, “Are you sure you want it? I haven’t even said what the other trait is?” Adam said, “I don’t care. Peeing standing up is so cool, nothing can beat that!” God shrugged and asked, “Eve, are you ok with this?” Eve looked at how happy Adam was and shrugged herself. “It’s ok, I’m sure I’ll also be happy with whatever I get.” God nodded, “Yes. For you Eve, the last trait, then - Multiple orgasms.”

A young couple had recently gotten married, and after three months, the wife went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she was pregnant. She was thrilled, but the doctor also informed her that, due to a rare complication, she shouldn't have sex with her husband until after the birth. The wife went home and told her husband what the doctor had said. The husband agreed to try and hold out. After a month, the husband couldn't resist anymore and asked his wife to be intimate. Of course, she refused. Seeing her husband so depressed and sad, the wife called him over and said, "My dear husband, I know you're suffering. Here, take $100 and go to a sex worker to relieve yourself." The husband took the money and thought to himself, "What a wonderful and considerate wife," opened the door, and went down the stairs, feeling cheerful. When he reached the first floor, the neighbor's wife saw him and asked, "Why are you so happy?" He happily told her the whole story. She then said, "Why go looking outside for a sex worker? Give me the 100 bucks, and I'll take care of you." The man agreed, gave her the money, went into her apartment, enjoyed himself for twenty minutes, and then returned home. His wife saw him and was astonished, asking, "What happened, dear? You came back so quickly; did you change your mind?" The husband replied, "I went downstairs, and the neighbor saw me. She offered to take the money instead, so that's what I did." His wife got very angry and said, "What a jerk! When she was pregnant, I did her husband for free!"

A man meets a beautiful, sexy girl. He really desires her, so he invites her to a movie, and she tells him: "Listen, if you're looking to sleep with me, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife." The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, so he buys her a good genuine Victorinox. They come to her home, she opens a big chest standing in a closet, and puts his knife there. The guy sees that the chest is half-filled with such knives already. Then she takes him to her bedroom for a wonderful night together. The next morning, they're sitting at her kitchen, drinking tea, and he asks her: "Can I ask you a question? What would you need so many knives for?" "You see," she explains. "I'm young now. I'm beautiful. I have no trouble finding guys; in fact, they're the ones chasing me. But I know it doesn't last forever. One day, I'll be older, gray-haired, I'll be the one looking everywhere for a piece of love, and then... do you have any idea what a young man would be willing to do for a good Swiss Army knife?"

They say about women that... Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still, a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all-conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like France. She has been through war, and vowed never again. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for knowledge. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN: Between 1 and 100, a man is like Iran and Russia: Ruled by a pair of nuts.