I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
"You deserve better and so do I."
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
She has high elf-esteem.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
Join us for plenty of play action.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
Sorry I'm late, I kep falling for you on the way.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
Go to BabaMail
